March 28

Apparently it is not in the plans for me to have a calm, enjoyable march 28th, EVER! I don't know why, that's all i can say, mixed with a lot of 'i can't's.  But i only say that because i can't. It's hard to explain, it's almost impossible to understand, i just know that i somehow have to get myself out of this horrible web i've gotten into.

I didn't want to be found,
I didn't want to lie,
I didn't want to tell,
I didn't want to trust,
I didn't want to be seen,
I didn't want this.

I don't want on talk,
I don't want to plan,
I don't want to pull away,
I don't want to hurt,
I don't want to be angry,
I don't want any of this.

this morning, i was dancing, dancing for an audience of one, in the glory of God... now, i just don't know.  I just know this cannot be happening. Run away, hide, i don't know where to begin, it's like i can't control my fear. It's so hard to pray, it's so hard to look up knowing this... I just feel betrayed and hurt and lost and alone.  Lord, help.